Now, when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” Jesus wept.” John 11:32-35 ESV
Pain is a relative term. I have experienced different types of pain in my life. There has been physical pain like when I stubbed my toe, broke my hand, separated my shoulder, or banged my head on the frame of a Mack truck. I have experienced mental pain, especially when I try to overthink. And I have experienced emotional pain as I did five years ago. In December of 2014, my late wife was to undergo open-heart surgery for a condition caused when she had cancer as a child. It had caused a defect in her heart, and they needed to repair it. The day before the surgery, we were asked to come up in front of the church. Our pastor asked the entire body to go to the front, and they laid hands on my family and me. They all prayed over her surgery and our family. She was a rock and I was scared to death. The next morning, we left for the hospital at 4 am. We chatted on the 30-minute drive, and she was telling me about the meals people would be bringing, the projects the kids had to do, the practices and games, for the upcoming few weeks and all I could think about was how tough this woman is and how lucky I was to be her husband. I was scared to death.
We got all settled at the hospital, and the time came for them to take her back into the holding/prep area for surgery. I kissed her and told her I loved her and that I would see her soon. I was told that there would an update every 45 minutes and that someone from the family would need to be in the waiting room to answer the calls. As the day wore on, I began to get a sense that something was wrong. They told me that the surgery would take between four and five hours. By one that afternoon, I was starting to get antsy, and by 2 pm I was told to call all our family around because there were complications. I called our extended family (her mother and sister were already there, and my dad and our pastor was as well), but her children were still in school. I knew something wasn’t right when they told me I needed to get the kids. By 3 pm, everyone that needs to be there had arrived, and the doctor came in to give us
the terrible news. There had been more damage than they realized, and despite their best efforts, my wife had passed away I don’t really recall what happened next. It is all sort of mix of tears, anger, and shock. But what I do remember, I recall most vividly. I went out on the roof of the emergency room area, and I hit my knees and cried out to God. I asked him why he would allow this to happen. I shouted at him in anger. Then I felt a hand on my back. A hand that I have felt on my back more times than I can count. It was the hand of my father. He was standing over me, praying and crying out to God on my behalf. He then told me something I will never forget. He said, “Son, God sees our lives through the biggest bay window, and we
can only see it through a keyhole.” As I stood to my feet, I felt a renewed strength that can only be explained as the power of the Holy Spirit because I was inside, I was broken. The woman I loved was gone, and her children were made orphans in an afternoon. My life had been put into a barrel, kicked down the hill, and dumped out on the ground—all in eight hours.
But God…”And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28 ESV
The following Friday, I stood in our church, five feet from where I was standing the previous Sunday. I stood with my hands raised in defiance to the words of our enemy that had been telling me how angry I should be and how God had left my family and me and I worshipped the Risen Savior. Then it was my turn to speak, I stepped to the podium, and I spoke about how we met. I told the large crowd in attendance how I was a prodigal son but that she saw something in me and listened to what God told her about me. She accepted all my faults but one. She told me she couldn’t marry a man that wouldn’t go to church with her and her kids. At that time in my life, the church was the last place that I wanted to be. But God…
I was on the run from God and anything to do with Him or His church, but I loved this woman. How could I say no to her? I, begrudgingly at first, started to attend services regularly at First Baptist Church of Pell City and God began to work on my heart. Her love and support had ultimately drawn me back to God.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. “Luke 15:20 ESV There isn’t a day that has passed that I don’t thank God for bringing her and her children into my life. I am, without a doubt, a very blessed man. In the last five and half years, I have seen the grace and the mercy that the Lord bestows on those who love Him, and I am reminded of a verse from Hebrews that I
have leaned on for support: “Now, faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” Hebrews 11:1 ESV I went through this time in my life that I would have never expected to at such a young age but, I know that God had a plan, and while I may not have agreed with it, it was His plan, and He knows every outcome. We don’t have to agree with the steps of His plan, but we must accept it. His ways are perfect, and who are we to argue with that? God is holy, and we just aren’t. His ways are PERFECT! God never allows us to go through more than we can handle. He gives us just enough of a burden so that we have to depend solely on Him and His strength. “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 ESV Friends, there is no manual on how to respond when you lose a spouse. There is no pamphlet to tell you how to act, what to say, or how to feel in this situation, trust me, I looked. Keep getting up. Keep fighting. Trust that God will use your situation as He has used ours. Despite the tragedy and pain, our family is thriving and surviving under the grace of God. Her oldest son is serving our country in the United States Navy, the middle son is playing football on scholarship, and the youngest is headed to Jacksonville State this fall. And most importantly, they are all serving and believing in Jesus.
If you want to contact Matt Mosley please contact Matt at matthewcmosley@gmail.com